I think you're lying.

5:42pm: People usually annoy me. The whole world really.
I'm getting tired of people. I just don't like them as much as I used to. But I still want to be around them for some reason.

I think I have manic depressive tendencies.
"Up and down, I'll lead them up and down." -Puck
Grr.

I wish people would be more open and decisive about how they feel and what they think. Not to hurt people, but just to get it out. I hate not knowing what people ACTUALLY think, not just what they're saying so it won't hurt your precious feelings. I might care if someone dislikes me, but I would prefer that they said it outright. It's not so much of the I don't know what this person thinks. It just makes so much more sense my way.

The thing is, I think half of the people agree with me. Then there's the other half. It would lead to less betrayals. I've been betrayed enough times in my life that I want to to cease.

I think it would be cool if I could know exactly what people say about me when I'm not around. Everyone does. I try to live up to my ideas, but me doing it doesn't mean that others will. I still suffer.

So much pain comes from misunderstandings that come from people not spitting it out. People just need to get a thick skin about it.

Right now I am indifferent again. I am learning how to control my emotions all the time, even when I'm alone. That's not always good. It's not always bad either though.

Daily I wish I wasn't stuck in the miserable place.

Don't we all.

5:36pm: Meh summah plans.
List of possiblities:

-Write alot. Like, alot lot.
-Go to NY for JKR reading! -joygasm-
-Paint alot. =(
-Voy a Boston ver mi familia. (Go to Boston to see my family)
-Beef up. -flexs before hurting herself by ramming he head into Hugh Jackman, who happens to be the Clint Eastwood of our time. Like, young Clint. Oh yeah. Sexyness.-
-Discipline myself in spiritual ways.

So yes.

12:10pm: Events of the past couple of days.
I believe I last updated on my birthday. I could go check, but I don't want to.

Since then I've had my soccer tournament. We got to the finals and it was tied 0-0 til the very last minute when they literally throw the ball into the goal. Irritation. I didn't even get to play because I'm not very good. -sigh-

Afterwards the team went to the silver diner. This was amusing because whenever someone went to the bathroom, the people around this person would fill her drink with sugar and salt. And my coach ate some of this spicy stuff, so then other girls tried to eat it also. That didn't work. And lastly, for this segment, a girl smashed her face into a bowl of chocolate cake that nobody wanted to eat.

And I have mentioned before that most of my peers are a little scared of me, right? Well, my teachers are too. For shame. I still don't think that I am something to be afraid of. A little weirded out by, yes...

And I'm going to be moving into my sister's old room, that is now blue. I like the color blue. There is a meaning for every color, and for blue it is sadness and calm. Dearest morgan, this means that you are passionate.

Justin, do tell me what your favorite color is. I am curious. I bet you are one of those people who doesn't have a favorite color though.

I think I have poison ivy on my arm and tummy. It itches. So I keep scratching it.

As for my short story, I am going to delete it and rewrite it over the summer as more a parody.

I really do suck at what I do. It's pretty annoying.

A girl that I'm somewhat friends with sort of wrote a short story that was like a kids book. And my teacher and the principal both liked it so most they are trying to get her to publish it. I'm very jealous.

7:14pm: Happy Birthday, Brinneh!
Oh yeah. I'm turning 15 on the 15th. Score!

I decided that today would be a good day. And I made it be so. It's not that it was a good day per say, I just had a good attitude towards it. And it was good. High points as follows:

-I got a delicious dinner.
-I got clothes, a gift certificate with a dragon on it, a book weight, and stationary.
-I got to watch Braveheart. Sexy accents.
-I am only five months older than thew youngest person in my class and the oldest is 11 months older than me.
-A darling friend of mine gave me a poster with dragons on it and a Narina journal.
-I packed a piece of cake for lunch and got another piece from drama.
-We got to write color poetry, which I like.
-Most people when they think gothic architecture think Hot Topic.
-I got to do a say whatever I wanted and I didn't care.
-I got to drop all my many belongings in the hallway and yell that the world is out to get me.
-I got to start in soccer and played goalie in the second half. None went past. Not that anyone shot at me...

I was not depressed even though lots of bad things happened. -joygasm-

Quote: "SACRIFICE YOUR BODY!!!!!!"

7:42pm: So yeah...
I was reading a booklet at my youth office about cutters. There was a list of symptoms there. And I have them all. This is not good.

We read stories in English today. Only one person in both classes had read all of mine, because apparently it was rather long. My teacher told me that some people started it and didn't finish. Ah well. I read one really good one that was all anime-esque. Which is good, because it makes sense with the person who wrote it. And she had illustrations. She drew a dragon for my story too.

Quote: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary...

6:43pm: Eh. Bakc to the usual.
I'm feeling kinda blue. But there isn't any cause for it. Actually, there is, but they're no t the cause surprisingly. I have my sonatina festival this weekend and I'm not sure if I'm as prepared as I could be. But I"ll probably be fine. It seems that when I think that I will be bad I'm good, and when I think I'll be good I'm bad. This annoys me. I like to know myself.

I got my english story back. I got an A. The points that were taken off were the conflict, which I totally agree with her opinion, and the title. My title sucked. I had no idea what to call it, so I ripped off Lemony Snicket and called it "A Sequence of Unusual Occurrences". Yes. It does indeed suck. Suggestions for a story about a dragon and a girl, along with a knight, are welcome.

I think a little bit of why I'm sad is how people think of me. I'd like to say I don't care, but that would be a lie. I do care. I just don't change. I want to be accepted, which at school I'm not, yet at church I'm loved. It doesn't make sense. If people reacted to me in the same way always I wouldn't mind. Some love me, some don't. I think that I am like one of Edgar Allen Poe's stories. There is always some reaction, positive or negative.

Everyone at my school is "scared" of me. I don't think that I'm something to be afraid of. I think that I am a nice person, but they don't. I don't like for people to live under a delusion. I enjoy being loved. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I get some of that here, and at home, but I don't get any from school, which I'm at ALL DAY LONG. I do not like this. They're all weirded out. I am a "mildly amusing television program" to both the church people and school people. I don't like this. I'm a real person too, not some type of mirage.

Quote: We judge ourselves by what we can do. People judge us by what we have done.

9:44pm: Not so bad
Today turned out better than I supposed because I was too hyper trying to keep myself awake to care about anything. Like the test I took or the bad grade I'll get on my story. It's all in the distant future now. And I slept during History. Again. I usually sleep through history.

Speaking of which, my school gave out our schedule sheet thingys today. I am going to attempt to take AP European HIstory, and then I shall be with smart people! Mwuahahaha... no more with morons. But I feel that I am wrong.Only 6 more weeks of school. This excited me. I'm hoping to bring all my grade averages up to a A so they all look shiny. And the prospect of have classes with different people. I like that. I have almost all my classes with the same group of people. 'Tis sad.

And in English today I was berated an idiot who sits next to me because he gives me a hard time alot, and the idiot I was berating's friend told the idiot to stop flirting. This amused me. Then I was talking to another guy and was once again accused of flirting. These people have never been on the internet or at public school. For shame. They know nothing.

But that gives me I leg up. I may not get better grades then all of them, but I'm still smarter. Woot!

Yes, I am very self-centered. I don't know how to deal with this. The way to talk to people is conversing about myself or sometimes other odd things. Ah vell.

7:34am: Sooooo... tired...
I stayed up 'til midnight working on my story. Then I got up at 5 and kept on working on it. It is now 7:30 and it is crap. Or at least I think it is. Today is not going to be pleasent, and all I wonder is what I'm going to fail and when I'm going to fall asleep.

11:30am: Feeling better now
I dunno... I was feeling very overwhelmed yesterday. I needed to vent and there was no one to talk to.

-sigh- I'm going to be spending all of today writing my story. And studying for my science test. And math. And practicing piano of the recital/contest thing next week. I might not even go to Youth Group.

Sorry Morgan, my love, for not going to your show. Couldn't fit it in and my parents didn't want to drive me.

4:39pm: There is no word to express what is in my head right now.
This... is probably going to be reeeeeeaally long. So deal.

I do too much crap. All the time. I have no time at all to read because I read slowly and even if I did I couldn't get any books from the library because I lost my card months ago and I can't get another one my damned school ID doesn't count and my mom is too fuckin' busy with her shit to come and help me get a new one. That's one hell of a run-on sentence.

Wow. I really don't usually curse that much. I should erase it. But I wouldn't. It's how I feel.

I have a science test on Monday. I hate science. If it died I would scream with joy. It's fuckin' impossible. And I have to still finish writing my story. Sure, it might be getting better but I still have to do the damned thing.

And I have drama. Drama sucks. There is no other way to explain it. Miss. Davis doesn't have a fuckin' clue as to what she's doing so most of the time I sit around and wait for it to end. I can't even do my homework because she damn well doesn't want me to because I have to "pay attention". I don't do a damned thing!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!

I really wouldn't mind dying. Yes, I am little suicidal, and speaking of which, a friend of mine told me that she's thinking about killing herself. Everyone expects alot out of me!!! I don't know what the hell to do!!! I'm a fuckin' FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD!!! How smart do you think I am!!!!??

Everyone expects me to remember everything, to do everything and to get it all PERFECT. Well, I'm not perfect. So fuckin' sorry.

I am losing it. This week I was making myself breakfast and I left for school without eating, the egg still on the hot stove. The stove was still on. Then I had to leave in the middle of math to call my mom and miss something important. A got an 80% on my quiz so then my teacher was all like "What's wrong with you?" I'm not even PMSing! I also left my soccer bag and lunch in my car yesterday. I couldn't play in the game and I had to eat Kevin's lunch.

Now I'm all riled up.

I hate talking to my dad. I hate it. It's either filled with stupid nothings, not even entertaining nothings or with bad advise. He's out against the world. He hates everything and it's wearing off on me. He always is telling me to do stupid things, or not stupid but things I disagree with, or something. I'm starting to hate him.

I have no place to vent. No escape lies in wait for me. Life continues to haunt me. It will never end. I can't even kill myself and get it over with.

Yes, I'm uberly depressed right now, and no, I probably won't actually kill myself, so don't bother worrying. Yes, I know lots of people have it worse but I don't care.

EDIT: I playing at my school's coffee house. I sucked. I had the music in front of me, but I was so nervous about playing in front more people than I had in my life that I utterly screwed up. I made up parts and then the idiots started to clap after the first page. I was so nervous that I stopped playing a pretended that it was the end. Since then I'm been obsessively practicing the song to get it right because next week I'm doing it agian, only for judges. O hell.

8:43pm: I'll feeling pretty good right now.
Shocking, neh? For some reason I'm feeling more accepted. It's weird. The only place I've ever felt even remotely accepted is my church. I don't feel all accepted, but this is good. I know people. I'm forging connections that will aid me in my quest for world domination!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! -joy-

Hem. I have decided that Ron is one of my favorite HP characters. I like how stupid he is. It's like us.

And the best explanation for the "Dumbledore's not dead" theory. Still some holes though.
http://www.mugglenet.com/editorials/editorials/edit-erezr01.shtml

There seems to be only one person in my school other than Kevin who is.. I don't know how to say it... Well, she likes anime (she probably is about 1/5 of the anime population at Trinity) and understands the sexual things I say. And laughs. I dunno. I like her. She reacts to what I say in a way I like. And she has fairly soft hair.

I have decided that what attracts me to my wives is their soft hair. I won't marry a non-soft hair person.

Speaking of hair:
The most used comment: "You're hair is so long!"
The most used question: "Are you ever going to cut it?"

These get annoying after a while.

Correct response:
"OMG, it IS?! I didn't know!"
"Yes, I'm planning on shaving it this afternoon in mourning for my imaginary friend Sapher."

But I was looking at my hair in the mirror and I realized that my hair really is freakishly long. I usually don't pay much attention to it. It's like 3 feet long! It's quite astounding.

Some time in the future I want to streak my hair like 6 different colors at the some time. That would be pretty hot. But that will have to wait until college. I asked my mommy if I could put a streak of blue in my hair over the summer. She said she's think about it.

And happy Birthday Just In!!!!!!! Glorious time to be alive. I'm very happy you were born. That would be that much more depressing without you! -joygasm-

I shall try to give you an internet word gift. I hope. BUt it might not happen for one reason or another. Yay!

1:06pm: The man in the tree
On my way to school each morning we pass this one house that has a tree. While it may be usual for houses to have trees, this tree is special. They made it grow so it looks like a face, nose and everything. I always greet it. I'm the only one who can see it though, because their to wrapped up in driving.

My brother drives me to school every morning with my dad in the passenger seat. It usually breaks down to Kevin shouting and my dad utterly failing to calm him down. My dad is a fool. Glad to see I honor all ten commandments...

One month anniversary of my marraige to my wives. I shall have to do something.

Extremely long scarf today.

Damn fly.

Quote: "It’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

8:06pm: I feel like being vaguely sexual
As soon as History let out today I screamed with joy. My teacher was not pleased. I don't know why I wanted to leave so much, because I didn't actually get to. One of the girls I regularly talk to is starting to think I'm homosexual because of my wives and the things I do to her and other girls. She's probably right.

The honor roll hasn't come back yet. This annoys me. I want to figure out what precent of the class I'm smarter than. Yes, it's horribly proud and arrogant, but I do it anyway. I shouldn't.

I'm off to work on my story some more. I getting satisfied with the beginning now.

In two days I have had pizza three times. I want to be alone right now.

8:58pm: I need to do less.
Some people complain that they have nothing to do. Others have the bare minimum to do but don't do it. Others have alot to do and don't have enough time. I don't have enough time. I need a time turner.

I only have a 45 min. study hall on Tues. and Thurs. Every night I'm out until at least 6 o'clock somewhere. Homework need to get done. Food needs to be eaten. Showers taken. And unlax time too. I think I expect alot ot of myself and get depressed when I utterly fail. Everything I like I'm okay at, but okay isn't good enough for me. I want to be amazing without the work, like everyone else. I have come to think that I actually am original in someways, but not in my core. But it doesn't really matter because it's not in a way that I can make money out of. My greatest fear is turning into a housewife who has nothing at all to offer the world.

Quote: There is a monster within each of us...

6:12pm:
I love my brudder dearly and he loves me back, but sometimes I really hate his anger problems. Not to let this dissuade you, dear wife. But whenever I try and call my mom, I don't get an answer. I know why now. I've been getting the numbers mixed up on the board because of my cursed dyslexia. And Kevin got mad at me for not thinking! It makes no sense. Why the hell was he mad at me for getting something wrong? In the first place, it's just cruel, and in the second, who is he to be getting angry? I am hurt. He apologized. But I'm still sad. And people wonder why I try to get everything right. Sure I have problems too, but hey! That's not nice. I am a sensitive girl, even if I deny it.

And my family is too poor to let me go to this summer school for the arts. Which blows uberly. I really wanted to go. It would be fun. But nay. And I was at my church practicing for tomorrow, Easter. I'm going to be there from 6:30 to 12:00. Possibly longer.

Lauren's home again. Don't know how I feel. I never know how I feel about her. Dyed eggies also. They're all really ugly. Like me. And now I'm getting depressed. I wasn't earlier, but now that I'm thinking about today, I'm realizing it wasn't a very good day. It kinda sucked. I have high standards for a "good day". Impossible standards. I don't think it's ever happen. I doubt it ever will. And I still suck at piano. And soccer.

Behold my pathetic angst that really ain't too bad. But this is the only life I've lived so it seems pretty bad to me.

Most girls have to much sympathy. I have too little. Girls will be like "I'm so sorry that you cut your finger!" Me: "Suck it up. It'll be over in a few days."

I like to think that I'm refreshingly blunt. More like painfully. I like to give random advice to young boys.

Quote: Misery, misery, life is but misery.

I don't know if I made that one up or not.

7:26pm: AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
I... HATE... ants. I'm almost at my wit's end. My bathroom is COVERED in ants. It's disgusting. Really. I can't take bathes in there anymore because the ants crawl all over me or my book or my music. And sometimes my food. And dead ones float on my bubbles. One time it walked into my candle.

Yes, bath time for me is a really important experience, alright?! All I need now is a rubber ducky... a blue one...

Hem.

I went wading in a creeek today with some 'friends' from school. They enjoy my company purely because I say weird things. Not that I mind. I like to make people laugh. That's why I say most things that I do. Like the pervy things.

And who is VerilySo? Your mom, that's who.

5:56pm: Randomosity
I like quizzes.

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

I was at Chipotle today with Morgan and Erin and Kevin. 'Twas fun. We then went to Borders. Morgan is pregnant with my child.
In case you were wondering, you thought correctly. We are both women.

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

I was at the dentist yesterday and today. I had a cavity. I don't like dentists. Nobody likes dentists. Not even dentists like dentists.

1:56pm: I sold my soul to the Church.
The skits were ok. I was slightly nervous about that.

I do stuff at my church. Like singing stuff. I was there from 7 am to 12 noon. I did many things. And I returned again at 4:30 and stayed until 8. I think the church has it's talons in me.

What really annoys me about some adults at my church though is that some only have little children and no teens so they assume that the teens must always be a good role model and be perfect little angels, just like their children who are going wild without my assistance. I think that most people are stupid. Not just them, but everyone.

I mean, what the hell? Who are they to be on my case about how I act when I have never met them before and I am doing more then anyone else? The world's unjust. Not that I didn't already know that...

But yes. Adults sometimes have a habit of killing all fun. Others don't but not very many. "The children are following your lead!" "You're being a troublemaker!" "Stop that!" "Help me with this NOW!" "Is that what you're supposed to do?" "What in god's name are you doing?" "Just sit down!"

Grr.

6:10pm: Short story
I' going to be writing a short story for English. It shall be fun, or I though it would be. 'Tis going to be about a dragon and a girl and a knight. I think the knight is funny. He's always posing in the imaginary wind. But I don' like letting people see what I'm working on. I don't even like them to see it after it's finished. I hate rejection. I have this whole fear about it. I hate fearing something so stupid. It'd be nice if I had more self-confidance. Bu I don't. I bend too easily. For shame. I shall probably post it. Or not. I'm also doing a skit thingy for my church. Dunno how that's going to turn out. I putting off calling my youth dude back until I have something really good. Which means I'll call him back when I run out of excuses to give myself.

Quote: Quaerite verum. Seek the truth.

6:47pm: I'm disturbed.
Not in the way some people use it to mean that they are weirded out, but seriously disturbed. I was at Borders (I'm always at Borders). There was this black woman there who was talking to herself. Not only was she talking to herself, but she was foully cursing white people and things of that sort. I don't usually hear cursing, so I did not like that, nor the racism. But the thing that disturbed me most was that I felt... like she was possessed by a demon. Weird for me to say that, but that's what I think. Or, if not a demon, than the devil has a tight hold on her.

I used to say "I'm crazy". I'm not crazy. There is now a firm and unmoving line between 'crazy' and 'weird'. But this incident worries me. My family has a history of insanity. Not good. Not that I think I'm crazy.

I think that one other reason I'm weird is because I'm depressed and being weird makes my laugh. When no one else is making me laugh, I might as well make myself giggle. Also, I want to be different and special and original because I don't want to end up as a house wife when nothing important has happened in my past.

One of my teachers was watching over my lunch room, and he's poor. He's so po, he can't afford the 'or'. So he never has any food so he says that he might up your grade if you give him some food. The guys always do. I had a carrot and didn't feel like eating it, so I donated it to him. Unfortunately, I had already taken a bite out of it. I had ripped off the bitten part, but no one saw that. When I gave it to him, he started to gesticulate with it, which made my lunch buddy laugh. When my buddy laughs, it's uncontrollable. So, naturally, my teacher thought I had done something to it. For five minutes he tried to figure out what I had done to it. And my friend kept laughing. Shame on her.

So, in the end, my teacher was glaring at me across the room, munching on my carrot EXACTLY like Bugs Bunny. It was scary how much they looked alike.

Quotes: This is exactly what it looks like.
Violence IS the answer.

8:11pm: I suck.
Yep. That... is how I feel.

What I suck at currently: piano, school, people, cleaning, soccer, writing, reading, eating, drinking, and walking are but a few of my many imperfections. Yes, we're not perfect at all. But I hate that. I hate not understanding. I hate not getting it right. I HATE being stupid. Sorta perfectionistic. What I really hate deep down is being normal. Mediocer. Which is what I am fighting against, but by fighting against it I am proving that I really am just pretending. Sometimes I think I'm not pretending, but then I remember that I am. I think one reason why I act all weird is because of my father. I don't remember if I said this before, but my dad has this whole thing that normal=perfect, great, everything that is good. I hate that. Anything that goes against his idea of what is "normal" is therefore "bad". I don't get along with my daddy. Not at all.

We're going to be writing short stories for English. I like English. I'm brilliant at it, which is, of course, my dad's glory. Anything good comes back to him, anything bad must go to someone else. He has said these exact words before. Anyway, I'm going to be writing about dragons. Of course, I'm going to be using the typical dragon and knight thing, but I'm going to give it my own ness. If I decide I don't want to turn that in, I'll turn in something else.

My 2nd trimester exam grades, because I feel like it: Spanish, 93; Math, originally 78, now 83; Music Appreciation, an A of some sort; English, 99; Science, 91; History, 91; Bible, 91;

WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!

There's a girl I know who is boy-crazy. Boy-crazy girls disgust me. It's so pathetic.

For no reason at all I am making a poster type thing with the 7 deadly sins and the 7 heavenly virtues.

Quote: Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die.

11:35am: Dodge ball
So my school has this whole after school dodge ball tournament thing, right? well, I wasn't on a team, so I didn't get to play until the end when everyone was playing everyone else. But, the thing that annoys me is that when someone catches a ball, the person who throw it is out and the person who caught it can "Choose" who gets to come back in. Which means that when I get out, I stay out because only the popular active guys get brought back in. That blows. It means that I don't get to play. At all almost. Which blows. I hate school anarchy.

--------------

My sister is home for a visit. I want to talk with her or do something with her but she doesn't want to do anything with me. I don't think that she cares at all about what I do. Or at least not as much as I care about what she does and likes. Stupid age difference.

8:50pm: When Writing a Letter to Chet, One Must:
-write a formal address
-include some reference to a previous letter from Chet that Chet never wrote
-have a drawing that illustrates the letter
-write under an odd pseudonym
-be some character that is involved in some type of plot
-hand write it
-include a reference to an event that happened to Chet but is never fully explained in the letter (note: the event must not have actually happened to Chet)
-never include the name "Erin"
-always have some mention of an animal that does not exist
-never reference anything related to the "Real World"
-close with some form of love and endearment
-sign under pseudonym



I will not explain myself.

8:23pm: My day
I feel like recording my day, because I thought some things in it were pretty cool. And other things sucked big time.

Exhibit A: I am utter crap at piano today. Usually I think I'm pretty amazing but for every single song I sucked horribly at. I'm kinda pissed about that.

Exhibit B: When I was making myself eggs (I live off eggs and other dairy products), one of the eggs had two yokes in it! Twins! Pretty hot, eh?

Exhibit C: I made myself tea and put it into a traveling mug with a lid on it because I planned to travel throughout my house. For 15 minutes there was this weird whistling noise that couldn't figure out where it was coming from. It was coming from my traveling mug's little hole.

Exhibit D: I beat beginner Minesweeper in 2 seconds!

I feel hyper today. Maybe it's because I have ADHD. Maybe it's because I have to pee.

7:53pm: Do you know what I think?
I think that my mother is evil because I haven't been on for a long time because she momentarily got rid of internet explorer and we only had AOL.

Utter. HELL.

It wouldn't let though "JesusIsMyKing.com" because they used the word Hell.

You know, I like my mom and all, but I hate it when she does things for my own good. I like being evil, bad as that is. I don't WANT to obey her. I want my own way, not her way. The worst thing is when I know she's right.

I still want my own way, but I feel guilty getting around her because I she's trying to do what God wants. And it sucks.

More on my family: I think that I hate my father. I really do. I never want to spend time with him, and whenever I do, I wish I weren't. The only good thing I see in him is that he earns us money. I don't think that I would miss him if he were to leave, which I find kinda depressing. I wish I didn't think that.

But I do. For shame.

I also feel a bit sad about my piano skills. I WANT to be one of the best. I WANT to teach and be really good, but I'm not there yet. I know that I probably will be in the future, but being an adult and doing that isn't the same as being a child prodigy. That's what I want, I want to be a prodigy. Desperately, but it's too late now. That's why I make up little fantasy lives for myself. I think I need to wake up more often and pay attention to the real world. Only the Real World sucks. "Welcome to the Desert of the Real."

And I think that a friend of mine (hem!) is cutting herself. First because there are shallow cut marks on her arms, second because she listens to depressy music and is starting to wear and black because she won't explain the cut marks. This IS a hint, darling. And I know this is what you want people to think, so I'm obliging you, dear.

Not that there's anything wrong with wearing black and listening to suicidal music.

Wearing all black is pretty coll if it is the right style. When I'm rich (when, not if) I'm going to do lots of fun things. Such as wear all black one day. My Mom has too much power over me, as exhibited above. I hate it. How come all these other people I know (christians) are allowed to do all the things to their parents and it's all ok.

I think my life sucks. Maybe not as bad as some, but this is the only one I have, so I can be an electron if I want to.

I decided that people are like atoms. Optimists, pessimists, and people who don't take sides.

Analogy of the Day: I am like mollasses on sugar.

I shall leave you with that thought.